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If you are not allergic to HAPPYNESS, we ask you to spend some time here.
WELCOME TO SAHOO'S FUN WORLD.
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Source of these jokes are our friends,
if you got any jokes, click here to share with us.
These are simply JOKES and nothing intended.
One star (*) are good jokes and two star (**) are adult jokes. This is how we
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individual opinion varies.We don't take any responsibility, if you feel
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In fact we suggest you to not read them and please EXIT. Thanks.
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* SHIRTS FOR WOMEN WHO TAKE NO CRAP
1. I am busy. You are ugly. Have a nice day.
2. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
3. Remember my name - You will be screaming it later.
4. Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
5. Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
6. I am multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
7. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
8. Don't piss me off! I am running out of places to hide the bodies.
9. I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
10. And your point is...?
11. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
12. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
** A DOG NAMED SEX
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I will call mine "SEX".
He is a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for SEX. He said, I'd like one, too! Then, I said, "But this is a dog". He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then, I said, "you don't understand.
I have had SEX since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for
my wife and me and a special room for SEX. He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill, we
don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand. SEX keeps me awake at night." The clerk said,
"Funny-- I have the same problem."
One day, I entered SEX in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me
why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him, I had planned to have SEX in the contest. He told me
I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have SEX on TV." He said.
"Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had SEX before
I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please." Then, I told him that
after I was married, SEX left me. He said, "Me, too."
Last night, SEX ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What
are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him I was looking for SEX. My case comes up Friday.
* A DAY OFF
So, you want a day off?
Let's take a moment to look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year, available for work. There are 52 weeks per year which you already have 2 days off
each weekend, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, that accounts for 170 days and there are 91 days left available for work. You spend 30 minutes each day on breaks that account for 23 days per year, leaving 68 days available for work. You spend one hour per day at lunch, that accounts
for another 46 days per year, leaving 22 days available for work. You spend 2 days per year on sick leave, leaving
20 days available for work. You take 9 holidays per year leaving 11 days for work. You take 10 days vacation each
year, leaving 1 day available for work.
Now, I will be darned if you are going to take that day off to!
* A THOUGHT FOR CHRISTMAS
Do you know what would have happened
If it had been Three Wise Women
Instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be peace on Earth.
Pass it on the wise women in your life!!
** STRESS PRAYER
A prayer for the stressed...........
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot
accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those that pissed me off.
Also, help me to be careful of the toes I have stepped on today as they may be attached to the ass that I
may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wesnesday, 20% on
Thursday, 5% on Friday.
And help me to remember... when I am having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to
piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to
BITE ME!!!
* IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING ...
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it does not come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses
your telephone, takes your money, and does not
appear to realize that you had set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it.
* OPERATING SYSTEM
Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and lunches during system initialization
where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pockernight 1.3 and Beerbash 2.1 no longer run, crashing the system whenever
selected. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me??
Bewildered
Dear Bewildered,
This is a very common problem men complain about but most likely due to a fundamental misconception.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "utilities and
enternment" program. Wife 1.0 is an "Operating System" and designed by its creator to run everything.
WARNING: Do Not try to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to
uninstall Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to
uninstall or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original
system. Look your manual under warning Alimony/Child support. Others have tried running Girlfriend 1.0
in the background while Wife 1.0 running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict
occurs, this can be non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products
such as Fling and 1Nitestand. Often their system have become infected with a virus.
I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might
also suggest you read the entire selection regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume
all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be push the
apologize button and then the reset button as soon as lockup occurs. The system will run smoothly as
long as you take the blame for all GPFs.
Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.
Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0:
Monthly, use utilities such as TLC and FTD.
Frequently use Communicator 5.0.
** ONE HOLE BEHIND
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He
saw a lady playing
ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was
playing. She replied, " I am
on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went
back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again
with the same request.
She said, " I am on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the
13th." Once again he
thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at
the end of the bar. He went
up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your
help." He started a
conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in
sales, and he said he was
in sales also.
He asked what she sold.
She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."
"No, I wouldn't," he said.
She said, " I sell tampons." With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I am laughing at," he replied. "I am a toilet paper salesman,
so I am still one hole behind
you."
* CARRIERS OF AIDS !!
News Release: Senior citizens are the nation's leading carriers of AIDS.
Hearing AIDS
Band AIDS
Roll AIDS
Walker AIDS
Medical AIDS
Government AIDS
and most of all Monetary AIDS to their childrens.
** DOGGIE STYLE & TRICK
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing thier wives.
"Does your wife ever ... well, you know ... does she ... well, let you do it
doggie style?" asked one
of the two.
"Well not exactly," his friend replied, "She's into the dog trick aspect of it."
"Oh, I see Kinky stuff, Huh?"
" Well ... not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead."
* ATM THINGY
It's hard to believe that certain people survive to adulthood!!!
I saw a lady at work today putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. I
inquired as to what she was doing and she said she was shopping on the
internet, and thay asked
for a credit card number.
So she was using the "ATM thingy"
**JUST LIKE THAT
A big shot business man had to spend couple of days in the hospital. He was a
royal pain to the nurses
because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the
hospital staff wanted to
have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand
up to him.
One morning, she went into his room and announced, "I have to take your
temperature." After complaining
several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arm and open his mouth.
" NO, I am sorry, the nurse said, "but for this reading, I can not use an oral
thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and
bared his rear-end. After
feeling, the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, " I have to
get something now, you
stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath
as he hears
people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, he shouted and
said, " I can do better than
that."
** MONKEYS
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of
natural causes. In grief, the
second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she
finally decided to take
them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, " NO. Shaking hands will be fine."
* RESEARCH CAN BE FUN
An insecticide marketer wished to learn the meaning attached to the term "
residual insecticide". After
research they found, the term meant not only what they always thought it meant,
but also
" has no residual"
"for insects that reside"
"more powerful"
"powdered form"
* WHAT IS A CAT?
Cats do what they want
They rarely listen to you.
They are totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They are moody.
They leave hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They are tiny women in little fur coats.
* WHAT IS A DOG?
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in
the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you
when you're in the same
room.
They can look domb and lovable all at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They are great at begging.
They will love you forever, if you rub their tummies.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: They are tiny men in little fur coats.
** HOLIDAY SPIRIT
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen, listening to
her son playing with his
new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son
said, "All you SOBs who want off,
get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! And all of you SOBs who
are getting on, get your asses
in the train, because we are leaving!
The mother went in and told her son, We don't use that kind of language in this
house. Now I want you
to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your
trains, but I want you to
use nice language.
Two hours later, her son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his
train. Soon, the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say, " All passengers who are disembarking
the train, please
remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with
us today and hope your trip
was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
" For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember
there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will have a pleasant
and relaxing journey with us
today."
" For those of you who are pissed off about the two hours delay, please see the
SOB in the kitchen."
** WHO IS IN CHARGE
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in
charge.
"I should be in charge", said the brain. Because I run the body's systems, so
without me
nothing would happen.
"I should be in charge", said the blood. Because I circulate oxygen all over,
so without me
you would all waste away.
"I should be in charge", said the stomach. Because I process food and give all
of you energy.
"I should be in charge", said the rectum. Because I am responsible for waste
removal.
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff,
he shut down
tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
bloated, and
the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave up. They all agreed that
the rectum
should be the boss.
The moral of the story?
You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.
* WOMAN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS.
ELEMENT: Woman
SYMBOL: Wm.
DISCOVERER: Adam
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.8 kg (108.6 lb.) but known to vary between 40kg
(88.2 lb.)
and 200 kg (440.9 lb.).
OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities in all urban areas.
HALF-LIFE: Deteriorates after about 25 years, sometimes rapidly losing shape
and luster.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Surface is usually covered with a painted film. Boils at
nothing,
freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if used
incorrectly.
Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. Warms to
pressure
applied to correct points.
REACTIVE PROPERTIES: Has great affinity for gold, silver and a range of
precious stones.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. Can explode spontaneously
without prior
warning and for no known reason. Stable in liquids, but activity greatly
increases by
saturation in alcohol. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
USES: Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. May be a great aid in
relaxation.
Can be effective cleaning agent.
COLOR: Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
Turns green
when placed beside a better specimen.
HANDLING: Highly dangerous except when in experienced hands. Illegal to possess
more
then one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as
the specimens
do not come into direct contact with each other.
* WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS
At long last ... The Men's Guide to what a woman really means when she says
something.
Pay close attention, there might be a quiz later.
You want = you want
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to
I am not upset = Of course I am upset you moron!
You are ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You are certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I am not emotional and not overreacting = I am on my period
Be romantic, turn out the light = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, furniture and wall paper...
Hangs the picture there = No, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you almost asleep
Do you love me = I am going to ask for something expensive
How mush do you love me = I did something today you are really not going to like
I will be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I am beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me? = Too late, you are dead
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I am sorry = You will be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it
Was that the baby = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to
sleep
I am not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
All we are going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we are
stopping at the
cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to took at a few new pocket
books,
and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring
your
checkbook?
The answer to " what's wrong?"
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you are such an asshole
I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I am still building up steam
** THE GOLDEN YEARS HAVE COME ... AT LAST!
I can not see, I can not pee
I can not chew, I can not screw
My memory shrinks, my hearing stinks
No sense of smell, I look like hell
My body's drooping, got trouble pooping
The golden years have come at last
The golden years can kiss my ass!
* IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY
Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not fly south
for the
winter... However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started
to fly south.
In a short time, ice started to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a
barnyard, almost
frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought
it was the
end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able
to breathe,
he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by hearing the chirping
investigated the sounds.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
Moral of the story:
Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. Everyone who gets you
out of the
shit is not necessary your friend. If you are warm and happy in a pile of
shit... keep your big
mouth shut!!!
* WHY ASK WHY?
1. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
2. Why isn't phonetic spelled that why?
3. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii and Alaska?
4. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
5. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
6. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
7. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
8. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
10. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?
11. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it is called a shipment
but when
you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
12. You know that the little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they
make the whole plane out of the same substance?
13.Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the
volume on the radio?
* NEW RESTROOM POLICY
In the past, employees were permitted to make trip to the restrooms under
informal
guidelines. Effective Monday, a restroom trip policy (RTP) will be established
to provide a
consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring
equal
treatment of all employees.
Under this policy, a "restroom trip bank" will be established for each employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit of
20.
Restroom trip credits can be accumulated from month to month.
Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel
identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices.
Before
Friday each employee must provide two copies of voiceprints, one normal and one
under stress, to the Personnel Dept. The voice print recognition stations will
be operational,
but not restrictive for this first month. Employees should get acquainted with
the stations
during that period.
If the employee's restroom trip bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the
restrooms
will not open. Privileges will resume at the first of the next month. In
addition, the restrooms
will be equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the restroom is occupied
for more than
three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the
roll of paper
in the restroom will retract, the toilet will flush and the door will open. If
the restroom remains
occupied, your picture will be taken.
The pictures will then be posted on the bulletin board. This procedure is being
implemented
to eliminate 'Dilly-Dallying' in the restrooms. Anyone whose picture shows up
three times
will immediately be terminated.
* DEAR LORD
So far today, God, I have done all right.
I have not gossiped, haven't lost my temper.
Have not been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.
I am very thankful for that.
But in a few minutes, God,
I am going to get out of bed.
And from then on, I am going to need a lot more help.
Amen.
* I AM FINE
There is nothing whatever the matter with me
I am just as healthy as I can be
I get up each morning and dust off my wits
Pick up the paper and read the "obits"
If my mane is missing I know I am not dead
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
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